The Proverbs of Solomon, Son of David, Senior Developer
To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding; to receive the instruction of clean code, of justice, and judgment, and equity (and proper error handling).
Hear, O junior developer, the instruction of thy senior, and forsake not the law of thy tech leadFor they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck (gold chains, for thy sick GitHub contributions)..
Chapter 1: The Fear of Bugs
The fear of production bugs is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction (and refuse to read the documentation).
Chapter 2: Hidden Treasures of Wisdom
def seek_understanding():
"""
If thou seekest her as silver,
and searchest for her as for hid treasures;
Then shalt thou understand the fear of production
and find the knowledge of good architecture.
"""
if you.seek(wisdom, priority='silver') and you.search(understanding, intensity='hidden_treasure'):
return fear_of_production() and knowledge_of_architecture()
Chapter 3: Trust in Documentation
Trust in the documentation with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding of legacy code. In all thy ways acknowledge it, and it shall direct thy paths (though the documentation might be lying).
Chapter 6: Things the Architect Hates
These six things doth the Architect hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto the system:
- A proud look (at someone else's code)
- A lying commit message
- Methods that kill innocent processes
- A heart that deviseth wicked algorithms
- Feet that be swift in running to production without testing
- A false witness that beareth false code reviews
- He that soweth discord among developers in the team
Chapter 10: Wise Sayings for Developers
A wise child maketh a glad father: but a foolish child deployeth on Friday.
The memory of the just shall blessed; but the name of the wicked developer shall rot (in git history).
He that walketh uprightly walketh surely: but he that perverteth his ways (with spaghetti code) shall be known.
He that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow: but a prating fool (who comments everything) shall fallIn the multitude of comments there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his documentation is wise. (Sometimes.).
Chapter 11: The Scales of Justice
A false test case is abomination to the Compiler: but a just weight (proper test coverage) is thy delight.
When pride cometh (in your code review), then cometh shame: but with the lowly (junior developer) is wisdom.
The integrity of the upright shall guide them: but the perverseness of transgressors (who use global variables) shall destroy them.
Chapter 16: The Heart of Development
All the ways of a developer are clean in their own eyes; but the Compiler weigheth the spirits (and the syntax).
Commit thy works unto the repository; and thy thoughts shall be established (if the tests pass).
A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Compiler directeth his steps (usually with error messages).
Chapter 17: Better Than Gold
Better is a dry morsel (with working tests), and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices (features) with strife (merge conflicts).
Chapter 18: The Power of Words
// Death and life are in the power of the tongue (and the commit message):
// and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
function powerOfWords(commitMessage) {
if (commitMessage === "fixed bug") {
return "death"; // No one knows what you actually fixed
} else if (commitMessage === "Refactor user authentication to use OAuth2 with proper error handling and tests") {
return "life"; // Your future self will thank you
}
}
Chapter 19: Better Than Riches
Better is the poor developer that walketh in integrity, than he that is perverse in his code and is rich (with stock options).
Chapter 20: The Glory of God
It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings (senior developers) is to search out a matter (and debug it).
The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts (of the codebase).
Chapter 25: More Proverbs of Solomon
As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country (the server farm).
Answer not a fool according to his folly (in the code review), lest thou also be like unto him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. (Code reviews are complicated.)
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly (and copies from Stack Overflow without understanding)Seest thou a developer wise in their own eyes? There is more hope of a fool than of them (who refuse to Google their errors)..
Chapter 27: The Morning's Wisdom
Boast not thyself of tomorrow's deployment; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth (in production).
Let another developer praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips.
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a developer sharpeneth the countenance of their friend (through code reviews).
As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of developer to developer (we all suffer the same bugs).
Chapter 30: The Words of Agur (The Humble Developer)
Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a human. I neither learned wisdom, nor have the knowledge of algorithms. Who hath ascended up into the cloud, or descended? Who hath gathered the wind (of change) in their fists? Who hath bound the waters (of data) in a garment? Who hath established all the ends of the earth (the endpoints of the API)?
Chapter 31: The Virtuous Developer
Who can find a virtuous developer? For their price is far above unicorn valuations.
The heart of their manager doth safely trust in them, so that they shall have no need of micromanagement.
They will do good and not evil all the days of their project timeline.
They seeketh clean code and best practices, and worketh willingly with their hands (on the keyboard).
They riseth also while it is yet night (to fix production bugs), and giveth meat to their household (of containers), and a portion to their servers (of resources).
They considereth a field (of work), and buyeth it (the domain): with the fruit of their hands they planteth a vineyard (of microservices).
They girdeth their loins with strength, and strengtheneth their arms (with ergonomic keyboards).
They perceiveth that their merchandise is good: their candle goeth not out by night (they debug until dawn).
Their children arise up, and call them blessed; their manager also, and they praiseth them:
"Many developers have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all."
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a developer that feareth production bugs, they shall be praised.
Give them of the fruit of their hands; and let their own works praise them in the gates (of their GitHub profile)Strength and honour are their clothing; and they shall rejoice in time to come (when their code is still running without issues)..
The words of King Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him (about always commenting your code) "It is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: but for developers to drink coffee and debug until the morning light."