Icon for Mental Health

Mental Health

I've lived with Bipolar I and Schizoaffective Disorder since 2015. I've been hospitalized more times than I'd like to count. I've watched angels descend from the sky, believed English was the ancient language of gods, and had my brain tell me lies so convincing that only survival proved them wrong.

I write about all of it—publicly, transparently—because the silence around mental illness in tech costs lives. Not metaphorically. Actually.

What a decade of living with serious mental illness has taught me is this: consciousness is stranger, more fragile, and more resilient than any of us imagine. The same mind that builds software used by millions can, without warning, construct entire realities that don't exist. That's not a contradiction. That's the human condition, unfiltered.

The Reality

My struggles started in 2015. Since then, I've cycled through medications, hospitals, and episodes of mania that left real damage in their wake. I can get highly delusional during manic episodes—I've said and done things I deeply regret. Schizoaffective disorder adds another layer: perceptual experiences that feel more real than reality itself.

I was one of the first prominent open source developers to write publicly about mental illness in tech. That transparency came with real costs—professional discrimination, lost opportunities, relationships that couldn't handle the truth. But it also opened conversations that needed to happen.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy. I'm sharing it as data. Pattern recognition applied to the hardest debugging problem I've ever faced: my own mind. That work led to discovering I experience plurality — multiple aspects of one consciousness, each with distinct roles and voices.

What Helps

These aren't universal prescriptions. They're what I've learned works for me, through years of painful experimentation.

  • Sleep. Non-negotiable. Bipolar disorder is easily triggered by sleep deprivation. I protect my sleep like my life depends on it—because it does.
  • Medication. It took years to find the right combination. Abilify is my saving grace these days—daily pills, after getting tired of monthly injections. Finding the right medication is its own journey. Be patient with it.
  • Avoiding stress. Not always realistic, but always the goal. When nothing else is working—believe it or not—splashing cold water on your face can help reset your nervous system. It triggers the "diver's reflex," slowing your heart rate and redirecting blood flow. Simple, free, works in a crisis.
  • Support network. People who know about my condition and know how to help. Maintaining these relationships is a full-time job, and worth every minute.
  • Slowing down. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Sometimes one breath at a time.
  • Creative work. Working on my website, listening to music, playing video games, writing. Gabapentin helps too. Exercise when I can manage it.

Writing About It

I write about mental health the way I write about code—honestly, technically, trying to make the invisible visible.

Living with Schizoaffective Disorder:

Consciousness & Perception:

Mental Health & Technology:

The MentalHealthError Series:

Transparency & Advocacy:

Resources

If you're struggling, you're not alone. These organizations help:

If you're in the US and thinking about harming yourself, please call 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or 911 and go to the nearest emergency room. They will help you.

I promise you—my brain has told me some really convincing lies. It's not worth it. You are loved, and you are important. You are not alone.

For the complete archive of my mental health writing, see Mental Health & Technology.

Feel free to reach out on Twitter or email if you need someone to talk to about this stuff. I'm here for you.