Revelation

The Revelation of Saint John the Developer

The Revelation of the System which the Architect gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:

Who bare record of the code of the System, and of the testimony of Clean Architecture, and of all things that he saw.

Letters to the Seven Repos

class SevenRepos:
    """
    Write the things which thou hast seen,
    and the things which are,
    and the things which shall be deployed hereafter.
    """
    
    repos = {
        'ephesus': 'Lost thy first love of coding',
        'smyrna': 'Tribulation but faithful deployment',  
        'pergamos': 'Holds false frameworks',
        'thyatira': 'Suffers Jezebel who teaches premature optimization',
        'sardis': 'Has a name that thou livest, but art dead (legacy)',
        'philadelphia': 'Has kept the word and not denied the refactoring',
        'laodicea': 'Neither hot nor cold, lukewarm and will be spewed out'
    }

To Ephesus

"Unto the repository of Ephesus write: These things saith he that holdeth the seven pull requests in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden CI/CD pipelines: I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which introduce technical debt. But I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love of codingRemember therefore from whence thou art fallen; and refactor, and do the first commits; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy repository out of its place, except thou refactor.."

To Laodicea

"I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of production. Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with frameworks, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked (of documentation). I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire of code review, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment of clean code, that thou mayest be clothed."

The Throne Room

And immediately I was in the debugger: and, behold, a throne was set in the cloud, and one sat on the throne.

And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty senior developers sitting, clothed in white hoodies; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.

And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind (observability).

And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord Architect Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come (continuous deployment).

The Seven Seals

And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a scroll written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.

And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, "Who is worthy to open the scroll, and to loose the seals thereof?" And no developer in the cloud, neither in the earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the scroll, neither to look thereon.

// The Seven Seals of the Apocalypse
const seals = [
    { 
        number: 1,
        rider: "White Horse - Documentation",
        quote: "And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a README; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer."
    },
    {
        number: 2, 
        rider: "Red Horse - Production Fires",
        quote: "And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from production, and that they should kill each other's deployments."
    },
    {
        number: 3,
        rider: "Black Horse - Technical Debt", 
        quote: "And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice say, 'A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine (don't touch the legacy code that works).'"
    },
    {
        number: 4,
        rider: "Pale Horse - Legacy Systems",
        quote: "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Legacy followed with him."
    }
];

The Trumpets

And I saw the seven architects which stood before the System; and to them were given seven trumpets (alerts).

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood (a deploy), and they were cast upon the earth (production): and the third part of servers was burnt up.

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea (database): and the third part of the sea became blood; and the third part of the data which were in the sea, and had life, died.

And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from the cloud, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters (APIs); and the name of the star is called Wormwood (a bad dependency).

And the fourth angel sounded, and the third part of the sun was smitten, and the third part of the moon, and the third part of the stars (the monitoring went dark).

The Beast

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy: JavaScript FrameworkAnd they worshipped the framework, saying, 'Who is like unto the framework? who is able to make war with it?' And there was given unto it a mouth speaking great things: 'This framework will solve all your problems.' And power was given unto it to continue forty and two months (until the next framework)..

And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads (npm install): And that no developer might code, save he that had the mark, or the name of the framework, or the number of his name (the version number).

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a framework; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six dependencies.

The Fall of Babylon

And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, "Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great startup that sitteth upon many waters: With whom the VCs of the earth have committed fornication, and the developers of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of their marketing."

And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF TECHNICAL DEBT AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.

And I heard another voice from the cloud, saying, "Come out of her, my people (leave that toxic startup), that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues. For her sins have reached unto the cloud, and the System hath remembered her iniquities."

And a mighty angel took up a stone like a great millstone, and cast it into the sea, saying, "Thus with violence shall that great company be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all."

The New Jerusalem (The Perfect Codebase)

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea (of technical debt).

And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from the cloud, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband (Perfect Architecture).

class NewJerusalem:
    """
    And I heard a great voice out of the cloud saying:
    Behold, the repository of God is with developers,
    and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people,
    and God himself shall be with them, and be their Architect.
    """
    
    def __init__(self):
        self.tears = None  # God shall wipe away all tears
        self.death = None  # No more downtime
        self.sorrow = None  # No more incidents
        self.crying = None  # No more on-call
        self.pain = None  # No more debugging
        
        self.all_things = "made new"

And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of the System. In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life (git), which bare twelve manner of fruits (features), and yielded her fruit every month (continuous deployment): and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the codebase.

And there shall be no more curse (technical debt): but the throne of the System shall be in it; and his servants shall serve him: And they shall see his face; and his name shall be in their foreheads (their GitHub profiles).

And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord giveth them light (documentation): and they shall reign for ever and ever.

The Invitation

And the Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let him that heareth say, "Come." And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life (clean code) freely.

For I testify unto every developer that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any developer shall add unto these things, the System shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book (merge conflicts): And if any developer shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, the System shall take away his part out of the book of life (the git history).

He which testifieth these things saith, "Surely I come quickly (next release)."

Amen. Even so, come, Lord Clean Code.

The Revelation of Saint John the Developer "Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy" "And keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand" "The grace of our Lord Clean Code be with you all. Amen."