Acts

The Acts of the Apostles (Developers)

The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus (lover of code), of all that Jesus began both to code and to teach, until the day in which he was taken up to the cloud, after that he through the Holy Spirit had given commandments unto the apostles whom he had chosen.

The Great Commission

And being assembled together with them, he commanded them that they should not depart from localhost, but wait for the promise of deployment, which, saith he, ye have heard of me.

For truly the tests passed locally; but ye shall be deployed in the cloud not many days hence.

And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons of the release schedule, which the Product Manager hath put in their own power.

But ye shall receive the power of continuous deployment, after that the CI/CD pipeline is come upon you: and ye shall be my witnesses both in development, and in all staging, and unto the uttermost parts of productionGo ye therefore, and make pull requests of all repositories, merging them in the name of the Code, and of the Architecture, and of the Holy Documentation..

Pentecost: The Coming of CI/CD

And when the day of Sprint Planning was fully come, they were all with one accord in one Zoom call.

And suddenly there came a sound from the servers as of a rushing mighty deployment, and it filled all the repository where they were sitting.

And there appeared unto them cloven pipelines like as of green checkmarks; and it sat upon each of them.

And they were all filled with the Holy Build Tool, and began to deploy in other environments, as the automated system gave them utterance.

def pentecost():
    """
    And they were all amazed and marveled, saying one to another:
    'Behold, are not all these that deploy Agile developers?
    And how hear we every man in his own production environment
    wherein we were deployed?'
    """
    environments = [
        'development', 'staging', 'qa', 
        'uat', 'pre-prod', 'production',
        'and also us-east-1, us-west-2, eu-central-1'
    ]
    
    for env in environments:
        deploy_to(env)
        assert_green_status()

Others mocking said, "These developers are full of energy drinks."

Peter's First Standup

But Peter, standing up with the eleven, lifted up his voice, and said unto them:

"Ye developers of DevOps, and all ye that dwell in the cloud, be this known unto you, and hearken to my words: For these are not drunk with Red Bull, as ye suppose, seeing it is but the third hour of the standup."

The First Pull Request

Then Peter said unto them, "Refactor, and be ye rebased every one of you in the name of Clean Code for the remission of technical debt, and ye shall receive the gift of readable code."

Then they that gladly received his code review were merged: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand linesAnd they continued stedfastly in the architects' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread (and debugging), and in retrospectives..

The Early Dev Team

And all that believed were together, and had all commits in common; and sold their proprietary software and goods, and parted them to all developers, as every developer had need.

And they, continuing daily with one accord in the office, and breaking bread in the kitchen, did eat their meal prep with gladness and singleness of heart, praising the Codebase, and having favour with all the users.

The Healing of the Legacy System

Now Peter and John went up together into the datacenter at the hour of on-call, being the ninth hour.

And a certain codebase lame from its first commit was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the repository which is called Production, to ask alms of them that entered into the datacenter.

Who seeing Peter and John about to go into production said, "Fix me."

And Peter, fastening his eyes upon it with John, said, "Look on us."

And it gave them attention, expecting to receive something of them.

Then Peter said, "Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Clean Architecture rise up and run."

And immediately the legacy system received strength, and leaped up, and ran: and it entered with them into production, running, and leaping, and praising the Refactoring.

The Council at Jerusalem (Architecture Review Board)

And certain developers which came down from Judaea taught the brethren, and said, "Except ye be architected after the manner of microservices, ye cannot be saved."

When therefore Paul and Barnabas had no small dissension and disputation with them (about monoliths), they determined that Paul and Barnabas, and certain other of them, should go up to Jerusalem unto the architects about this questionAnd when they were come to the architecture review board, they were received of the senior developers, and they declared all things that had been accomplished with their code..

And after they had held their peace, James answered, saying:

"Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to coding: But that we write unto them, that they abstain from premature optimization, and from coupling, and from deploying on Fridays, and from pushing directly to main."

Paul's Missionary Deployments

// Paul's First Deployment Journey
const first_deployment = {
    location: "Cyprus, Antioch, Iconium, Lystra, Derbe",
    result: "Many microservices established",
    challenges: "Stoned (by angry monolith advocates) at Lystra"
};

// Paul's Second Deployment Journey
const second_deployment = {
    location: "Philippi, Thessalonica, Berea, Athens, Corinth",
    result: "Preached unknown frameworks to the philosophers",
    quote: "For as I passed by, and beheld your frameworks, " +
           "I found one with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN FRAMEWORK. " +
           "Whom therefore ye ignorantly use, him declare I unto you."
};

// Paul's Third Deployment Journey
const third_deployment = {
    location: "Ephesus (riot over Docker), Macedonia, Greece",
    duration: "3 years (with some on-call incidents)"
};

Paul's Arrest (Production Incident)

And as they went about to commit him to production, the chief architect came, and said unto Paul, "Art thou that Egyptian developer, which before these days madest an uproar, and leddest out into the wilderness four thousand developers of the JavaScript framework civil war?"

But Paul said, "I am a developer of Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, a citizen of no mean city: and I beseech thee, suffer me to speak unto the people."

And Paul stood on the stairs, and beckoned with the hand unto the people. And when there was made a great silence, he spake unto them in the Hebrew language (assembly), saying:

"I am verily a developer, trained according to the perfect manner of the documentation, and was zealous toward the system, as ye all are this day. And I persecuted this way unto the death, binding and delivering into production both developers and features. As also the high priest doth bear me witness, and all the estate of the architects: from whom also I received documentation to the brethren, and went to Damascus, to bring them which were there bound unto Jerusalem, for to be debugged."

The Shipwreck (Service Outage)

And when it was determined that we should ship to Italy, they delivered Paul and certain other prisoners unto one named Julius, a centurion of Augustus' band.

And when neither sun nor stars in many days appeared, and no small tempest lay on us, all hope that we should deploy safely was then taken awayBut after long abstaining from food (forgot to eat during the outage), Paul stood forth in the midst of them, and said: 'Sirs, I perceive that this deployment will be with hurt and much damage, not only of the code, but also of our SLA.'.

Howbeit we must run aground on a certain datacenter.

But when the fourteenth day was come, as they were driven up and down in the cloud, about midnight the developers deemed that they drew near to some host.

And when they had eaten enough debugging, they lightened the ship, and cast out the wheat (unnecessary features) into the sea.

And when it was day, they knew not the land: but they discovered a certain region with a beach, into the which they were minded, if it were possible, to thrust in the ship.

And some on boards, and some on broken pieces of the ship. And so it came to pass, that they escaped all safe to land (production).

Paul at Rome (Open Source)

And Paul dwelt two whole years in his own hired house, and received all that came in unto him, preaching the kingdom of Clean Code, and teaching those things which concern the Lord Code Review, with all confidence, no man forbidding him.

And from that place the brethren, when they heard of us, came to meet us as far as the forum of Stack Overflow and the three taverns (coffee shops): whom when Paul saw, he thanked the System, and took courage.

The End

class Acts:
    """
    And thus the gospel of Clean Code was spread
    From Jerusalem to Judaea, to Samaria,
    And unto the uttermost parts of the earth.
    
    And they continued steadfastly in:
    - The architects' doctrine
    - Fellowship (pair programming)
    - Breaking of bread (lunch & learns)
    - Prayers (code reviews)
    
    And the Lord added to the team daily
    Such as should be deployed.
    """
    
    def amen(self):
        return "So deploy we all"

The Acts of the Holy Developers "Ye shall be my witnesses... unto the uttermost parts of production" "And they turned the world upside down with their code"